My Unmet Need
Approaching 50 years in this field, I have settled on just a few concrete concepts that guide my work daily. First among these is knowing that Dr. Edward Thorndike was correct way back in the 1890s. In summary, he suggested that as we stumble through life, we periodically encounter a solution to a problem we weren’t even aware we had. When that solution proves to work, we tend to repeat that behavior. That is so certain that it has come to be known as "Thorndike’s Law of Effect’”.
Second, I am certain that we all have what I refer to as an “Unmet Need”. My definition is a bit different than what a typical Google search explains. The Unmet Need is not what is wrong with me. It, in fact, it could be what is right with me. It might be what gets me out of bed in the morning. My Unmet Need is persistent. I will take my Unmet Need to my grave. It is at the core of who I am. It isn’t the problem. The problem is not being aware that I have an Unmet Need and not being able to name that Need. The challenge with my Unmet Need is not the Need, but the largely unconscious choices I make to meet that need. If I make healthy choices, I get healthy outcomes. If I make unhealthy choices, I get unhealthy outcomes. If I am not aware that this is happening, I am flying blind, making unaware choices to meet an unaware need. Now, back to Dr Thorndike. When I see repetitive behaviors, I know that a need is being met. It doesn’t matter that tomorrow I wake up with a headache, or with someone I don’t know, having done what I don’t remember. When I repeat that behavior again and again, I know in the immediate, a problem is being addressed.
The second core concept is exploring where that Unmet Need came from. While we are all a combination of Nature and Nurture, we have all, by the time we reach adulthood, experienced a Story of Sorrow. This is different from Trauma. Trauma can happen at any time and place in the developmental process. The Story of Sorrow generally, in my experience, takes place very early on in life. It may be largely emotional memory, rather than cognitive memory. It is an event, or a series of events, or it is just the way life was, where there was a gap between what was needed and what was provided. That gap is painful, sorrowful, and likely produced some feelings of shame. Since it happens so early in life, it is likely related to the need for safety and security of some sort. It comes from an expectation that someone I depended upon, for whatever reason, was not present safely and securely in that/those moments.
We then spend our lives attempting to avoid experiencing that Sorrow again. Our largely unconscious choices are constantly being driven by the attempt to avoid that pain. As we are unaware, those choices are frequently unhealthy, and certainly are not rational—at least in the sense that we have not given rational thought to why we do what we do.
So, my goal is to assist you in becoming aware that you have an Unmet Need, that you can come to name your Unmet Need, to be able to identify how you have been going about trying to meet that Need, and to avoid pain, sorrow, and shame. In that process, to be able to identify your Story and to be able to tell and explore that Story in a Safe and Empathetic space. To be able to grieve the sorrow and overcome the shame. To then find the strengths in your experiences of Sorrow. To be able to consciously identify healthy choices to meet your unique Need.